The Official Journal of (Dr.) Jonathan Scouter, Ph.D

2011-08-02T14:31:00.001-04:00

sorry blog tumblr has replaced you indefinitely

dave scarf

2011-02-28T01:55:00.000-05:00

20 stitches for broken record pattern
21 rows

20 stitches for record pattern
20 rows

3-stitch border (inside)
2-stitch cable
2-stitch cable (so 4 stitches)
1 stitch in between these 'cause
2-stitch garter border (outside)

cast on 40 stitches

garter-stitch 3 rows (K every row)

row 4 (right side): K2, K1, K4, K3, K20, K3, K4, K1, K2
*this is just a way of establishing the separations to make the cables easier to deal with. nothing is actually happening right now.
row 5 (wrong side): K2, P1, P4, P3, P20, P3, P4, P1, K2
row 6: repeat row 4
row 7: repeat row 5
(c)row 8: K2, K1, S2 onto a cable needle and hold in front (S2 on cbl), K2, K2 on the cable needle (K2 on cbl), K3, K20, K3, S2 on clb, K2, K2 on cbl, K1, K2
row 9: repeat row 5

row 10 (row 1 of pattern): K2, K1, K4, K3, *begin 20-st pattern*, K3, K4, K1, K2
row 11 (p row 2): K2, P1, P4, P3, *continue pattern*, P3, P4, P1, K2
row 12 (p row 3): repeat row 10
row 13 (p row 4): repeat row 11
(c)row 14 (p row 5): K2, K1, K2, K2 on cbl, K3, *continue pattern*, K3, K2, K2 on cbl, K1, K2
row 15 (p row 6): repeat row 11
row 16 (p row 7): repeat row 10
row 17 (p row 8): repeat row 11
row 18 (p row 9): repeat row 10
row 19 (p row 10): repeat row 11
(c)row 20 (p row 11): K2, K1, K2, K2 on cbl, K3, *continue pattern*, K3, K2, K2 on cbl, K1, K2
row 21 (p row 12): repeat row 11
row 22 (p row 13): repeat row 10
row 23 (p row 14): repeat row 11
row 24 (p row 15): repeat row 10
row 25 (p row 16): repeat row 11
(c)row 26 (p row 17): K2, K1, K2, K2 on cbl, K3, *continue pattern*, K3, K2, K2 on cbl, K1, K2
row 27 (p row 18): repeat row 11
row 28 (p row 19): repeat row 10
row 29 (p row 20): repeat row 11
row 30 (p row 21): repeat row 10

row 31: repeat row 5
(c)row 32: K2, K1, K2, K2 on cbl, K3, *continue pattern*, K3, K2, K2 on cbl, K1, K2

basically cable row every right side (rs), wrong side (ws), rs, ws, (c), (c)ws or actually every 4 (5, counting the purl row after a (c)) rows until desired length.

last 3 rows: garter stitch.
cast off and put some sweet tassels on that motherfucker.

-fuck it doesnt get any cooler than this

*optional*
if you wanna be a huge loser--by which I mean awesome--you could knit dave's unbroken record on the other end of the scarf. aw yeah.

brought to you by: someone who would like to call themselves hipsterUnicorn.

2011-02-23T08:12:00.001-05:00

Oops, I'm sorry Stephen I can't go out with you 'cause I'm in love with someone from the Internet.

yeah okay

2011-01-08T01:17:00.000-05:00

It's taken me a long time to actually be okay with my appearance. Like, I still think my face needs work, but I don't really dwell about it or whatever.
but I just realized that I don't even like myself as a person. I really don't, to the point where I can't even defend my opinions. I mean, I have them, but as soon as someone disadgrees with me, I'm like "uh" like a fucking dumb bitch and it just makes me want to die inside. I can't even say two words without feeling like a complete dumbass, not to mention obnoxious... idiot. I just can't handle it. I don't like myself. I feel like I don't know anything at all. I don't know why anyone even wants to talk to me. I'm loud and obnoxious and I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time and I just can't deal with it. I feel like I can't do anything, like I just can't and that I'm not going to amount to anything and that I'm not even special, so what am I doing here? I just don't know who I am or what I want and I'm afraid I'll spend the rest of my life not knowing and I can't handle that. I can't. There are so many people that can do everything better than I can, so what am I even worth to the world? Nothing. I just feel that no one likes me and that just because of how I trip up and babble all the time that they'll never want to get to know me. I just don't know. I don't know anything, I don't.

today

2010-12-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

"do you eat a lot, Angelica? 'cause I heard lesbians eat a lot."
"n-yeah. yeah. I eat so much. I just eat so much food."
"really?"
"no, I'm lying. I'm not a lesbian."
"I heard lesbians lie all the time too!
"I think my girlfriend must be a lesbian, 'cause she eats a shitload and lies a lot."

and then I asked Cole if I could seduce his girlfriend and he said he couldn't stop me, but he'd prefer I didn't.
so I made my new mission in life to get Cole's girlfriend in the sack.

---

fff-- today was awesome. Paula, Cole, Matt, David and I all went to Chipotle with this kid Ethan and this girl he apparently likes or something, but WHO CARES this isn't about them.

we went to Matt's house after ('cause he happens to live across the street) and we watched Fantastic Mr. Fox and it was so good. we were all just remarking on how good it was. it was great. you should watch it, invisible audience.

today was pretty flipping great, man.

2010-12-05T10:51:00.001-05:00

I honestly just want a friend that I can snuggle with.

Also, make out with.

We're teenagers, we all want that. Why is it so hard for meeee.

Lesbianism.

2010-11-20T12:17:00.001-05:00

So I'm always making these lesbian jokes and mentioning how hot other chicks are (well, not that obnoxiously) and I got to thinking, what if I actually am a lesbian?

I mean, I like dudes (like ----- ----; he's so cyuute~ :3 ^w^ kawaii~~*~*~*~*) but I also think girls are attractive too.

Now, I know what you're thinking, I know. But I really, really hate the word bisexual.
I have friends who are bisexual and that's fucking awesome and everything, but to me, it's just not an acceptable description. It's sounds so restrictive to me, when it's ... not.
Why can't you like whoever you like? I wish gay people could be accepted and they could marry whoever the fuck they wanted! And I'm cool with the idea of just liking whoever I want! But most of the time, bisexual to me just sounds kind of ... selfish. I don't think my bi friends are selfish at all, but I guess that's where I get hypocritical.

"Oh, you like guys and girls? That's cool!"

I never want to hear anyone say that to me, ever. And I've been battling this notion for a couple of months now, and it sucks that I'm so reluctant to accept, if there is anything to accept, because I would love for all people to be comfortable with their sexuality, especially the gay ones, because it is so tough nowadays. But of course, I secretly don't want to put myself through that.
I don't know...

I've had fantasies, but that doesn't mean anything, you know.

I just wish I could like whoever I want and just be happy with myself.

But of course, that's the whole point of this whole project.

2010-11-20T12:04:00.003-05:00

---
It's not like it would happen

but sometimes I have ideas of things I would write if I committed suicide.
But I mean, yeah, I'm sad, but not sad enough? You can always be sad enough, but even though I can be pretty cynical, I don't think I am doing this because I actually want to kill myself.

I think I just like the morbid idea. But there are still so many things to do. And even if my hopes are still hazy, there is ice cream and science fiction and all the stuff a girl needs. Because really, if everyday difficulties were all that bad, everyone would have offer themselves by now and they haven't, so there must be something that's worth it.

I always tell myself I'm not afraid of death, but deep down, I probably am.

Okay so.

2010-11-04T17:13:00.001-04:00

My mom keeps fucking nagging me about not spending time with her and in just like first of all: fuck you, lady. Like I wanna spend time with you when you're forcing me to. That is fucked up, fuck that. And I'm sixteen years old, okay? My main priority is not spending time with my mother, okay? It's just not. She always complains that I would rather spend time with my friends than with her, well that's because it's fucking true. I love my mom and everything, but come the fuck on already. I don't mind being around her at all, but shut up with the god damned sob stories about never spending time with me or whatever. I'm sorry, I really am. Like, I don't want her to feel bad, but her making me be around her really doesn't make me want to actually be around her. And it's just fucking great, because on top of already feeling bad, then I feel worse because I always have to talk down to myself in my head like nothing say or think is even remotely important or right. So I can't even complain without feeling bad because I am a stupid bitch who doesn't know anything. God fucking damn it. I just really don't like myself at all.

2010-10-17T08:56:00.001-04:00

lol, butts.

urgh.

2010-10-11T08:17:00.000-04:00

My life. I'm such a whiny bitch. Like for real.
I'm always complaining about how no one likes me or how no one "likes" me but it's just 'cause I spend my time complaining instead of getting people to like me by actually talking to them. I mean, I like to think I am pretty likable. Not like "whoa why isn't that girl my friend," but likable enough, you know?

2010-09-29T09:11:00.000-04:00

I love you so much that I
want to sleep with your corpse.
But maybe I just love the way you look like
when you're sleeping.

This looked really long on Facebook chat.

2010-09-28T19:17:00.000-04:00

well

it's not that exciting, but long story short

I kissed ----- ---- on the cheek in my dream.

it was super qt.

IN THE DREAM I made this deal with his friend _ _ _ _ that I would run for some reason and then ----- was like "I heard you were running for _ _ _ _" and I was like "uh, yeah" and then we talked and I confused him with that other yucky ---- and
then we were hug-tangoing (if you know what I mean) and then I randomly kissed him on the cheek
and we were both embarrassed, but not really, I think we were just acting embarrassed but I was actually pretty embarrassed and then he was like "so are you going to stay here for a while" and then he went in an elevator.

bro,

2010-09-22T15:46:00.000-04:00

I am standing here, using a computer in the library and listening to Sunny Day Real Estate like a giant faggot. sadface.
I wish I had a car already, because I am tired of lugging my portfolio all day. :<
Also, I can't stop saying bro, bro. Fuck.

Sometimes,

2010-09-01T08:34:00.001-04:00

I think people are idiots.

But no, they are probably too smart for me.

My writing.

2010-08-31T16:32:00.003-04:00

Are we writing form the same perspective?
Sometimes, when I kiss you, it feels like I'm being hung from my thumbs, bare and naked, except for the first sentence of my master's thesis, carved in my flesh. You remind me of everything bad about my childhood, and I am only nineteen.
I love you, but please, leave me or die.

Really, though. It pisses me off. Most of the time, when I have to write something, so I can show people my writing ability, I cannot come up with anything. It is very frustrating and it makes me want to die.

derp.

2010-08-25T10:34:00.000-04:00

So... new school year. Yeah. going to Physics lecture. Hooray, midday Physics.
Anyway, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I remember my big preoccupation was the SAT/service hours, before that it was getting/going into CA but now it's my major. I'm 16. Really. Only 16. But this is my senior year of high school, and apparently, it's too late to try to get into the Harvard School of Medicine. I have nothing going for me exceot good SAT scores (kind of ironic, isn't it?). I'm going to art school. My mom and probably everyone else thinks I'm wasting my time. I'm really not that good. Really. Lots of people are like "don't go into graphic design! It'll make you want to kill yourself!" and I'm like WELL THANKS. I wish I were out of here and working in a firm already. Or at least in goddamn New York where I'll be able to make out with hot chicks, maybe or something. Never in a million years I thought that I would be going to art school. I really want to apply to SAIC, where at least maybe I'll come to my senses and study architecture. :I

I know I'm not the only person who's been like this, and they probably got into college. But the thought that there is always someone smarter, more dedicated, with more extraccurriculars, and better than me in every way doesn't really help me get over this anxiety. God, I wish I were more relaxed. I wish I weren't myself, actually. There, I said it. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm a loser. A loser who has to be in lecture in 26 minutes, but a loser nonetheless.

-------

2010-08-22T01:15:00.001-04:00

I text-message -------. I try to squeeze in my thoughtful, laid-back persona in 160 characters, including spaces. I never thought that was fair.
I am not laid-back. I am at the pinnacle of Type A. Some people consider that a virtue; I want to commit suicide.
I always thought there was an entire alphabet of types, but there's only two, A and B. They can't make them Type Salt and Type Pepper. Nothing they do makes sense.
I meet up with him on the path to the library. I say hey once, and he nods. We walk in together. I'd been waiting to see him the entire week, but now I don't know what to say. We stay indoors, away from the heat. Tomorrow, he says, all twenty-four Pre-Cal/Trig assignments are due. I ask if he's done them. Of course he has. He always seems to have time. I struggle to finish Economics. I ask him for help, but he says I'm not being specific enough. All twenty-eight minutes I could spend with him I am wasting on Economics. If we had more time to ourselves, I still wouldn't know what to say.
He says he has to leave, and I walk out with him. Outside, under a dying tree, I look at him, expecting something to happen.
I love you, -------, I say.
He knows I'm lying.

2010-08-09T01:58:00.001-04:00

Suck dicks and die.

I wanted

2010-07-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

To write something but
now I don't want to.

I finished reading the Bell Jar.
I got Scott Pilgrim 1.

tumblr.

2010-07-16T00:25:00.000-04:00

So, I made a Tumblr, but it's okay, I'm not going to neglect you bloggy. I even put up a notice and everything!

~~(e___e What the hell is wrong with me?)~~

fff.

2010-07-14T12:34:00.001-04:00

I'm upset, and I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to complain to the internet.
That's nice.

God damn it. Never mind. I just hate everyone.

live alone

2010-06-28T13:45:00.000-04:00

I wanna live alone/
I could be happy on my own/
Live the rest of my life/
with the vaguest of feeling/

Ahh...

Wherever you are/
whoever is there/
you know that I'll be here, I'll be here/
wishing I could be there/

All I seem to want, to do is analyze why people do things.
I'm pretentious. I pretend I know things. I do nothing. I just sit here, yet I love thinking about why we are the way we are. I have no field experience. I could live like in Jack and Rose,
and go to the mainland for a bit, whenever I wanted. I'd bring in random men from time to time but I'd always
be alone.

I love people enough to not be with them.

:/

2010-06-25T22:54:00.000-04:00

My last three posts have been about my iPod. I guess I'm going to have to resign to the fact that I'm not getting it back but I MISS IT SO MUCH. Every passing moment reminds me of how much I miss and need it. EVERY SECOND HURTS. I really hate the person who took it. The way I see it, they either have two choices: return it or suffer my fiery wrath. I swear to the god I don't believe in that if my iPod does not make its way back to me someone is going to pay. I hear being stabbed in the eyes with knitting needles is not a pleasant experience. God damn it.

It just makes me so upset. :|

iPod.

2010-06-21T08:16:00.001-04:00

I still can't find it. Someone most likely stole it and deleted all my junk and sold it to some dude in Canada. Well, I hope not but today is my last day of school so I don't think I'm getting it back. I know it's just an iPod, but I'm still very sad. I can't say my entire life was on that iPod, but a lot of personal things were and now they're gone.

Shit.

2010-06-17T08:38:00.003-04:00

I really liked my layout and I accidentally fucked it up and I'm not even at my home computer. Also, I lost my precious iPod. I am really upset about that. I'm still hoping I find it, though.

Person who has my iPod: if you're reading this, please just turn it in to security or something. Seriously. That'll be great and good things will happen to you on account of how awesome you would be if you did that. Also, you'd probably get laid, and who doesn't want to get laid, am I right? Unless you are saving yourself for marriage, but I doubt it, 'cause you would have probably turned in my iPod, which you didn't, because I don't have it. Thanks for turning in my phone, though, I guess. I know you don't want that, 'cause it's kind of shitty. But seriously, dude. I want my iPod back. It doesn't take much, just be like, "I found this iPod," and then the security lady will be like, "Okay, thank you," and then I'll be like, "Did anybody turn it in yet?" and she'll be like, "Why yes, here it is!" and I will be happy and send a thousand unicorns your way. :|

Don't make a little girl cry. I'm a teenage girl. I love that iPod. I want it back!

Love, Angelica.

P.S.: If you don't return my iPod, I'll rig it to explode and then who's the winner here?

Hi there.

2010-05-23T23:52:00.001-04:00

The song Meat Is Murder almost made me want to give up meat, just because it's so creepy. But no, meat rules.

Shoes.

2010-05-23T23:51:00.001-04:00

No really, shoes. I'm a girl, but I've never been like "hurr shoeeeees." Yet I have a lot of shoes, I realized. About or more than ten pairs. Do guys have that many shoes? I know guys that do, actually, but what's with women and shoes, you know? I'll admit I like shoes and stuff but not that much. They just seem unnecessary as a whole, buy then I'll complain I have no shoes to wear. Who knows. And I always want more shoes, too, like there's infinite space in my closet for shoes. I don't know. Whatever.

I think i'm jealous.

2010-04-29T19:20:00.003-04:00

Uhh. Why am I, if I'm not trying to go for it myself? I'm not going to, either. I don't function like that. And I was under the assumption he didn't either. But what if he just randomly decides to? I don't know, I mean, she's really cool and pretty, too. So she's got me beat on those departments. I think I'm reading too much into this. People are allowed to have other friends. Buh. I'm so paranoid. -___-

2010-04-29T19:20:00.001-04:00

I'd like to write better stories about making out, but then I remember I know nothing about making out. WELP, guess I gotta go make out with random people and then write about it. Purely a writing exercise, mind you.

.

2010-04-27T21:42:00.001-04:00

I am a failure.

On Necesities

2010-04-27T00:49:00.001-04:00

So I got to thinking. There's so much to do. Brush your teeth or you get cavities or cancer or ... gingivitis. I hate brushing my teeth. I look in the mirror and my teeth look so yellow, it's ridiculous. Then I look at the whitening label on my toothpaste and scoff. I know it's supposed to be gradual, but I've been using whitening toothpaste for a long time with nothing to show for it. I'll admit that I only brush once a day, in the mornings. The dentist is always like, "brush yo' teeth three times a days, dawg!" It's a necessity, something you do for your own health. What bothers me is that we have to pay for such "bare necessities." food has to be purchased, and even if you grow your own food there are still tools to buy; plants don't really grow on schedule naturally. We have to pay for shelter, too, and most people live their entire lives paying off shelter, something primary. Like Thoreau says, is it not the house that owns us? We also have to pay for clothing, and even then people take this to an extreme.
In short, life is a business. In a world where most of us have to pay to be born (in a clean hospital), life is a business. Our lives are spent paying someone for anything and everything we do. I, for example, must graduate in order to obtain a paying job in order to pay them for things that are essential. Now, I'm not a communist nor do I know much about communism, so it's not like I'm making an argument for that. I'd just like to, for a moment, imagine a scenario where human tendencies do not skew our behavior. A world where people could all produce and obtain what they need, without greed taking over and hoarding anything. It sounds impossible--mostly because it really is--but it'd be nice to help our neighbor with a problem without "how will this make me money?" floating around our heads. Yes, capitalism encourages inventiveness and innovation, and all that is fine and dandy (how else do you think I'm writing this?) but my theory (if it can even be called that) only applies to the basic needs. Everybody is always bombarding us with how lack of care in any aspect could seriosuly hinder us (read: cancer), but only those who find themselves with the time (that they are not spending making money to pay for other necessities) and money get to not have oral cancer or gum disease. It just isn't very fair. People have tried to regulate this help, and people hate it. Then they don't regulate it, and people hate it. Perhaps we are not approaching this correctly or something, but maybe we should start thinking about it. Now, I'm just a teenager on the Internet, but whatever. I just hope no one claims my ideas, even though someone has already published various books on the subject, probably.

...

2010-04-16T17:49:00.001-04:00

I'm in a bad mood. I don't really want to talk or write about it; hopefully I'll be over it soon.

On another note, I saw my math teacher on his motorcycle. A bunch of students crowded him:
"Mr. Gorenstein, you have a motorcycle?"
"Damn!"

Word for word.

Eh. And my plans for today fell through. I guess I'm not going to be distracted today. Man, I feel shitty. .(&yfdehfycgb

I would like to know

2010-04-16T09:35:00.001-04:00

why in a world of such debauchery, I can never get any.

(To be continued.)

So.

2010-04-14T18:03:00.001-04:00

Yeah. Here I am, procrastinating again. Hmm. I don't really know what I think I'm going to accomplish by doing this, but you know. 99% of the time I get things done, but at the last second. It's extremely stressful, and I feel like shit all the time. It's getting ridiculous. And pretty sure it's contributing to my self-prescribed "depression," though I'm not a fucking pyschologist or anything. It's terrible, and it needs to stop. I want to say I don't know how to stop it, but that's untrue. I know what I need to do, I just can't bring myself to do it. And this fact makes me feel even worse. I'm not the type to blame anything on anyone (except maybe my mom, but I always feel bad about that too), so I don't even have that. I carry this thing around on my shoulders like a fucking monkey tha tells me how much I suck all the time. "Oooh, get over yourself, Angelica," you say? I'm trying. I always have to think that people think the worst of me, and it's getting exausting. I'm a pessimist, I admit it. The glass is half empty. Why is half of my raspberry lemonade gone? Good things will always come to an end, but I focus on that instead of enjoying the fucking lemonade.

Webcomics I read ( will update later)

2010-04-09T00:23:00.002-04:00

Hi. So I like webcomics. Recently, my friend Stephen showed me Hanna is Not a Boy's Name and I just caught up with all the strips. Yay.

So anyway, I wanted to make a list of all the webcomics I usually read, mostly so when I'm bored & have nothing to do, I can actually catch up on these things.

Questionable Content: my main webcomic, and anyone who knows anything about webcomics has heard of qc. Srsly.
xkcd: I like webcomics about math, sarcasm and romance.
Hanna is Not a Boy's Name: Yeah, I was just talking about this one. It's amazing. The art is amazing. Holy crap. Also, it's relatively new, and though there is no definite update schedule, it's totally worth it.
Rock, Paper, Cynic: Also pretty sarcastic, but not as math-oriented as xkcd. Sometimes Peter posts short stories or his own songs instead of strips, but it's okay, they're good.
Dinosaur Comics: The dinosaur should have convinced you by now. But if it didn't, the comic still rules.
YU+ME Dream: It's about lesbians. It's actually pretty flipping awesome once you get to the second part. The first part is good too, but the second part, MAN.

INFP

2010-04-08T20:13:00.001-04:00

INFP

"Perfectionists, they may have trouble completing a task because it cannot meet their high standards."

"INFP - The "Dreamer"
Jungian Personality Types (Free Test)
INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal."

"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."
"The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives."

"INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic."

Buh.

2010-04-08T07:40:00.002-04:00

So anyway, I got this note app hing for my iPod and I was hoping tht I could write whiny stuff on it then post it here when I had Internet. But I'm only allowed 10 notes in the lite version. I complain a lot more than that.

Hooray, new iTouch.

2010-04-06T18:34:00.002-04:00

So, anyway, I has a new iPod and it's pretty awesome 'cause now I can listen to all if my obnoxious music. Yaaaaaaaay. I can't edit these posts from here once I make them so I guess I'm going to have mistakes here or there, which o (I) do anyway with a regular keyboard. I'm going tonpreyens (pretend) that my iTouch is the iPhone I never had. I really do still want an iPhone, though.

rofl.

Hm, well.

2010-04-04T15:17:00.000-04:00

So guess who is still not writing her research paper? :D
Ok, ok. After this, I PROMISE I will turn off the internet and start writing. :/

My internet is extremely slow anyway, so I can't even really use it. I just really do not want to sit here and actualy do this, mostly because I have no fucking idea of what I'm doing. -___-

UGH. I'm going to go write another outline. OKAY, bye.

Ffffff,

2010-03-30T18:54:00.001-04:00

I really wish my life was like this:

Also, I find the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand to be oddly attractive. They're all "ugly," but I guess I like men who drunkenly crash art parties.

..., pt. 3

2010-03-30T18:13:00.001-04:00

One more thing, Camera Obscura freaking rules. I bought their Maudlin Career CD a while ago and loved it, and just now I'm starting to listen to some of their other songs. I'm gonna get all of the albums. Ah.

I'm the worst student ever. :/

..., pt. 2.

2010-03-30T17:53:00.001-04:00

GOD DAMN IT.

WHYYYYYYY?
khajdfhjlkjsjdfhskj.

I sort of wish that I would spontaneously combust. Apparently, "combust" isn't a word, according to Firefox.
Back-up source: [link]

That is what I'm supposed to be doing. Except for Mark Twain, which fucking sucks, because I fucking love Mark Twain. Leave it to my English class to suck the fun out of everything I fucking love. Don't get me wrong, it's not Mrs. Koszoru's fault. I actually really like her. But god. Damn. I am honestly on the verge of tears whenever I think of this paper. I don't know, maybe I'm being dramatic or something, but that's just how it is.

P.S.: "Alex Kapranos of the band commented - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand is music of the night: to fling yourself around your room to as you psyche yourself for a night of hedonism, for the dance-floor, flirtation, for your desolate heart-stop, for losing it and loving losing it, for the chemical surge in your bloodstream. Its for that lonely hour gently rocking yourself waiting for dawn and it all to be even again."

...

2010-03-30T17:43:00.000-04:00

I am freaking the fuck out.
I don't even know anymore. This sucks ughhh my life is so terrible and sad, etc., etc. -___-

I came to the fucking library to get some fucking work done. Am I doing it? No. Fuck. I'm going to end up a hobo somewhere, and not even the cool, Hollywood kind of hobo. The shitty kind of hobo that leads a terrible, sad life. That's where I'm going to fucking end up. I won't even have the pleasure of dying early. No. I will suffer for the rest of my fucking life for being so fucking lazy. Fuck. Fuck.

Blogging.

2010-03-23T20:24:00.001-04:00

Um. So.

Even though nobody even reads this, I apologize for being away. I just haven't felt like writing anything. I wanted to today, but I don't anymore. I have things to say, I just don't know how to say them.

Yeah, that's right.

2010-03-08T20:36:00.000-05:00

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

2010-03-05T18:03:00.001-05:00

I just failed my trig test. I would not look forward to grading these if I were Mr. Gorenstein. Shiiiiit.

.__.

HI.

2010-02-24T00:34:00.003-05:00

I went to see the highest Lama today. But I don't feel like writing about that, so I'll do this instead and then go to sleep. .___.

Tsundere (Harsh Outside-Gentle Inside)
[ ] You come off as sort of aloof to other people.
[ ] In public, you intentionally refrain from showing much weakness.
[it's not a secret.] You have a secret obsession with something cute.
[ ] You pretend that you hate your crush even though you really love him/her.
[x] You blush when people point out your sensitivities.
[ ] You blush when people tell sexual jokes.
Total:
Me: 1

Yandere (Gentle Outside-Harsh Inside)
[ ] You’re very sweet and kind in public.
[ ] When romance becomes a topic of discussion, your personality changes drastically.
[ ] You know some sort of martial art, swordplay, or otherwise
[ ] You have a crush who you’d literally kill for.
[x] You have a pet-peeve that makes you snap.
[I can't just diagnose myself like that!] Schizophrenic?

me: 1

Meganekko (Girl/Guy-with-Glasses Character)
[IF ONLY.] You have glasses.
[x] You are/can sometimes always be clumsy, ditzy, or absent-minded.
[ ] You are always very polite in your speech.
[x] You are fairly intelligent in some field.
[ ] You take discipline seriously.
[ahem. try several. .__.] You have some sort of fetish for something.
me: 3

Tsukkomi (Angry Guy/Girl)
[do I count as my own friend?] You have a friend who often makes dumb or embarrassing remarks.
[] You smack/beat up this friend in some way.
[well, do I?] You do your best to maintain a calm facade, only to be thwarted by this friend.
[ ] If you & your friend were a yin-yang, you’d be the “yin”
[x] You swear a lot.
[I realize no one is going to answer this question.] You try to bring out the more serious side of your ridiculous friend.
me: 1? I don't know.

Boke (Dumb Guy/Girl)
[sigh.] You often make silly or embarrassing comments.
[yeahhh.] You like annoying the heck out of your best friend.
[ ] You often get beaten up by your friend in some way, but you take it in good stride.
[ ] If you & your friend were a yin-yang, you’d be the “yang”.
[ ] You are normally very laid back and carefree.
[ ] You try to bring out the happier side of your angry friend.
me: 2

Nadeshiko (Perfect Wife)
[ ] You are always, almost overly, polite.
[well, I like what I know about it.] You love traditional Japanese culture.
[I want a yukata...] You often wear either a kimono, yukata (summer cotton kimono), or apron.
[ ] You’re an excellent cook.
[ ] You are hardly ever angry.
[ ] You have really long hair.
me: 1

Sexy Character (OH COME ON MAN THIS IS TOTALLY ME.)

[ ] Your bust/package is...formidable.
[x] You like making sexual innuendos.
[ ] You encourage trips to the beach, pool, or onsen (hot springs)
[ ] There are some sexual things that you are ignorant to or need explained to you.
[ ] You’re an expert cosplayer.
[pfft. at first I thought this said 'you taste like alcohol'/in small amounts] You like the taste of alcohol.
me: 1.5

Loli/Shota Character
[x] You like sweets or chocolate.
[eeew.] You adore cute things and/or the word “kawaii”.
[ ] You use Japanese suffixes like “-chan,” “-tan,” “-sempai,” etc...
[I make weird noises. does that count?] You add unnecessary suffixes to the ends of your sentences, like “nyo,” “nyu,” etc...
[I swear I'm not! D:] You are considered gullible or naive.
[pfft.] You have a tall/powerful friend who protects you.
me: 2.5

I feel as if this was not a very good quiz. Maybe someone can improve on it. OOH. I SHOULD GO POST IT ON DA. Also, I should get me some glasses, yo.

Okay, okay.

2010-02-23T00:11:00.014-05:00

     Hello there. I was actually going to be responsible today when I got home and do my reading for history & research for my speech (which is on Thursday and I have not started). Buuuuuuuuuuuut I didn't. I fell asleep instead. So I spent the entire night "deciding" on my speech topic (I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A TOPIC) (i.e., doing other things). I just decided that my topic was going to be Sylvia Plath like literally two minutes ago, right when I started writing this. I know, I'm so responsible and all sorts of other sarcastic stuff. But I made that awesome new background. :D
     Anyway, I wanted to get up early to look nice for the Dalai Lama, 'cause I have to be at my friend Maria's house at 8:00 (which is actually about the time I fucking get up even though my alarm is set for 7:15) but that's not gonna happen. I'll just not look as nice as I would have liked. :I
     In other news, I am pleased to announce that I am ~~raping my Trigonometry class up– the– butt~~ (edit, january 22, 2012: I can't believe I actually made a rape joke. I am so disappointed in my past self). I got my second test back today and I got a perfect score. Whaaaaat? Yes. Yes, I did. It was awesome. Mr. Gorenstein gave me this look. I went up to his desk when he called my name and stared at him like this (read: O.O) when he handed me my test and he must have responded to my whatever-that-was, 'cause at first he looked like he might have wanted to congratulate me but then he looked like he thought that he should feel like he wanted to say something but he wasn't going to anyway. It was, as a lot of things are in my life, awkward. This is when a smiley face on my paper would have done the job, you know? It sheds him of the responsibility of reacting when I pick up my test and I feel special without either of us having to say anything out loud in front of the class. But whatever. I have this thing where I re-play awkward moments over and over and analyze them and feel bad at the same time. I must have a gift or something, and I feel like I'm putting it to waste. I hope my next fortune cookie tells me what to do in that respect.
     Then Annushka drew the bird on her test paper. It's a cute bird.

Link-o'-the-day: En- vs. Em-dashes

P.S.: relating to ↑--pfft. Interrobang‽ Interrobang.

P.S.S.: SUCK ON MY NUTS, ~~Slater~~ Precalculus. SUCK ON MY NUTS.

P.S.S.S:. This is one of those blog entries I keep editing, 'cause I keep finding typos and stylistical (not a word) mistakes in it. ARSGDJFHSI'm supposed to be reading. OKAY, BYE. I AM GOING TO READ SECTION ONE, then go to bed. I should have done this two hours ago.

2010-02-22T23:25:00.002-05:00

So the Dalai Lama is going to speak at my college. woo. I will let you know how it goes with a real blog entry.

... Wait, who reads this?

so I've decided

2010-02-22T21:29:00.002-05:00

to stop being such a baby.

wish me luck.

it occurs to me:

2010-02-21T19:39:00.003-05:00

That women in birth control commercials appear very sassy.

I like them.

Or what they appear to be.

Things I like to drink.

2010-02-08T21:43:00.006-05:00

Things I like to drink:

Ocean Spray CranCherry juice
Simply Lemonade with Raspberry
Mountain Dew
Spring water from water bottles (even though they are not good for the environment. :| )
Dr. Pepper (if there is no Mtn Dew available)

I wonder if as I get older, I'll develop a taste for dry, dry martinis. If in 8 years I'll be at bars, sitting and sipping by myself and staring down humanity from my aviator Ray-Bans. People will be too intimidated to approach me, and all of my insecurities and uncertainties will be shed from me like the jagged old skin of a snake.

I've never been one for alcohol, and I don't drink it at parties or anything. Not that I ever get invited to any parties, but if I did, I don't see the appeal of sipping beer from a red cup. It's just not in me.

Today, I bought myself a Subway foot-long, the first in a while. Tuna, Parmesan-oregano bread (ever since my dad ordered it that one time in Aruba), Swiss (I switch from that & Provolone on a whim), lettuce, onions, green peppers, mustard. Things I like. I thought about just paying the $5 and enjoying my sandwich with some of the raspberry lemonade I have at home, but I decided against it. I have too little of the precious nectar left as it is, I might as well savor and save it as much as I can. I ended up just getting Coke instead.

Patrick would always tell me about these fun party-like things he would have with a friend: bags of Garden Salsa and Harvest Cheddar Sun-Chips, 2-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper, and other things that sounded delicious. I wanted to have one of these parties with him and bring some Cran-Cherry juice and Baked Cheetos or something (this isn't a things-I-like-to-eat blog). But I guess the Patrick chapter ended pretty abruptly in my life, also, nothing changes the fact that he was kind of dickish, but that's just the way he was, and I thought he was okay nonetheless. Whatever, I can have a party-type thing with Paula, Rachel and Stephen or something. Maybe we can make those waffles with Raven. Mrs. Koszoru can come and have some 'Dew.

Anyway, I just felt like documenting beverages I like ingesting. Also, according to Paula, if you put baking soda and hydrogen peroxide in Mountain Dew, it glows in the dark. You might wanna look it up before you try it though. If it blows up in your face and you become blind, I don't want you blaming me. You should blame Paula.

I really hate

2010-02-01T03:31:00.001-05:00

staying up this late before school.

Of course,

2010-02-01T02:17:00.001-05:00

everything, as always, is my fault.

On the same note, my mom really needs to separate her speaking topics. It's 2:15 in the morning and my filters aren't at peak performance.

I'm sleepy. I should go to sleep, but I can't because I haven't done these questions. It's not like I enjoy not sleeping, but I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

2010-01-25T01:38:00.006-05:00

So. Here are things that are happening:

I AM BACK IN THE SLUMP. Wahoo.
92% of my math class hates me, and all of them probably think I'm ridiculously annoying. I wouldn't be surprised if the teacher thinks I'm annoying too. It's not like it's not my fault, either.
I'm still not asleep because I still haven't written that extra stuff that will make my essay longer.
I got stood up, and I'm even more upset, 'cause I do it to this person all the time, even if it's not on purpose. And I still want to be mad at her and she didn't even call and tell me she couldn't go, instead of just being like "Oh, can I come tonight? Tomorrow morning? Never?" I called her and texted her and she didn't even reply. And FFFF-- I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD CORRECTLY. WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF? No one cares. No one gives two shits about me. No one else bothers justifying themselves and everyone likes them just fine. God damn.
I am so fucked. Ghh.

Really, why won't anyone magically waltz into my life and convince me that it doesn't suck and that I'm not going to end up living in a box and that I will be able to live comfortably by myself in an apartment in Brooklyn with two dogs and a [cat named Boyfriend] while I go to college. I thought going to a new school and meeting new people would help, but it's not the other people, it's me. Fuck.

God. I'm tired of not feeling good about myself, but what can I do? Oh, Angelica you're the only one who can make yourself feel better blah blah blah. Just tell me that when I'm in my damn apartment in Brooklyn and maybe I won't punch you in the face. Maybe.

P.S: If I actually had the balls to punch people in the face, I would feel so much better. God.

2010-01-15T04:19:00.002-05:00

How come I can never seem to go to sleep early? Pfft. I have to write a 4-page essay on The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli. It's a pretty badass painting, I'm not gonna lie. I just don't wanna write about it.

This weekend is gonna suck, much like a majority of my other weekends. My mother is such a doll. I get it, I'm pissy and a tad bitchy sometimes, but hey. She can't win all the time. Oh, wait, apparently she can. 'Cause she can do whatever the fuck she wants and I just have to sit there and be happy about it.

I watched Freaks and Geeks (the entire series). It was awesome. I'm sad it only lasted one season. It was a good show. John Daley is HOT today. He's on Bones. I don't watch Bones. Maybe I should start. Nah.

I should be sleeping.

2010-01-12T01:19:00.008-05:00

They said submit 1-3 pieces of your best writing. I can't come up with anything. I am an insecure little lady. It makes me sad. I forgot to call Feller so he could fix my bike and now I feel bad. Also, I have to walk to the bus stop tomorrow and it's FREAKING COLD. Whatever, I'm wearing two jackets. I feel retarded for making such a big deal of the cold, 'cause I live in Florida but okay.

Nghh. I promised I wasn't gonna let myself get ... me down, but it's HARD. I'm already procrastinating again. And I'm starting to feel shitty and uncomfortable around people. I need to make a change, but I just find myself being loud and obnoxious like always. MY LIFE IS SO TERRIBLE OMG NO ONE HURTS LIKE I DO.

Ugh, I should go to bed. I wish writing about my problems automatically solved them, but it does make me feel better to know that maybe someone out there sympathizes or is at least entertained by my troubles.

wan. wan,
Angelica.

P.S.:
formspring.me
Ha. I don't know how many people actually read this, but ask away.

P.S.S.:
lskjadla my math teacher (or professor, Idon'tfuckingknow) is very cute (26-ish?) and I am jealous because I wish I were that hot.

P.S.S.S.:
He is a man.

P.S.S.S.S
A very handsome man.

P.S(x5).:
Don't worry, I'm not going to assault (read: rape) him and make him lose his job. I will just stare at him sometimes and he'll be like "~~I KNOW I'M ADORABLE BUT~~ STOP IT AND LEARN SOME TRIGONOMETRY."

"But Mr. Gorenstein, I already took this course. Lolwtfomgbbq!!1!one"

"I am going to shoot you."

WIkipedia is so informative.

2010-01-07T11:16:00.002-05:00

I'm bored. I'm kind of upset that I'm not using my time productively, because I will have time for nothing later this week & for the rest of the semester. .___.

(also theinternetisboring.com.)

Happy New Year?

2010-01-04T04:12:00.002-05:00

so like, I'mma see pkmn guy in the bus on Wednesday and I'm not gonna make myself all depressed about it. so yeah, it didn't work out and we don't talk. also, I suck at Pokemon which is pretty much the only thing we had in common. :D
WHATEVER.
I WILL BE HAPPY THIS YEAR, DAMN IT.

Also, I AM ADORABLE. And maybe someone will see that and be all like "hello there. ;D"
PREFERABLY SOMEONE CUTE. But you know, whatever. .___.

Yup. I know I complain a lot in this online blog of mine. But well. I'm kinda tired of feeling like my life sucks. But don't worry, I'll still complain. I love doing that.

2009-12-23T01:40:00.001-05:00

So, turns out a google search for 'what to do when you're pretty sure everyone and everything in the world is not going to stop sucking even if you smile forever' did not yield many useful results. I did find this, though: girlsareprettyforver.
Yay.

In case y'all didn't know, I enjoy finding entertaining blogs and such. Yeah, yeah. Porn is so much more fruitful than this site. Stop rubbing it in.

I've got some troubles, but they won't last.

2009-12-18T13:58:00.009-05:00

I wish we lived in a world where all the bullshit, all the hate, the misconceptions, I wish they were all background noise. I wish that one day, I could walk to the park and have it dawn on me that those aren't the most important things in life. I see a baby bird learning to fly and that should make me happy. It doesn't. I spend the time thinking about how sad and pathetic my life is. About how sad and pathetic I am. And the truth is, it doesn't matter. Whoever wants to stand next to you in the summer, when it's pouring and pouring. Whoever stands there with you, because neither of you wants to get your hair wet, that's who matters. Who cares what I think about myself? Everyone else is busy contemplating things past store windows. I see mannequins dressed up in snappy clothes and I think about how I'd like to manage this. I think to myself, how am I going to be happy? I feel happiness as something I'll come across when I have everything sorted out. But happiness isn't your neighbor knocking on your door on Thursday, happiness is something you set out and find, even after your life seems shitty and useless, happiness is there, inside you. Waiting. Get over yourself. Your life will get better, but you have to make it better. I do. We do. I'm sick of waiting. But then I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be the same.

----

"I want to know that you won't wake up one day and feel different."

"I can't give you that. Nobody can."

I'm the hero in this story, don't need to be saved.
I'm the hero in this story, don't need to be saved.

Hello.

2009-12-13T14:09:00.002-05:00

H-Hey. Coming to you live (not really) from my desktop, it's ANGELICA with today's news. I am supposed to be writing an essay that I was supposed to have finished yesterday but I DIDN'T. Hooray! :D
I need to do well in this essay, because it is worth 10-20% of my final grade in English and ... WELL. Yeah. >___>

MY CHRISTMAS LIST.

2009-12-03T22:45:00.003-05:00

In order of preference:

Science is a Verb Now (CHECK.)
You, Me. Smoochin'. (CHECK)
Lomo sidekick bag. Though the site won't open. Fooey.
35mm film.
Lomo Oktomat
Make Me a Sandwich!
T-Rex's Busy Day (CHECK.)
Clearly I Have Made Some Bad Decisions
Missing Bike
Infinity Bike
Use Your Brain

hypocrisy is hereditary.

2009-12-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

Hello, all. All 0 of you that is.

Ha.

So, I feel it's worth mentioning that I found coconut-and-oat-flour-scented shaving cream. I was like "I EFFING LOVE WALMART." (Hee hee. Walmart. :B)

ANYWAY. How's it going? Good? Well, I'm doing okay I guess. No, not really. But I'm trying. No, not really. At least I've gotten all my homework done! I hope I don't fall into the clutches of procrastination again, though I probably will. BUT I WILL NOT LIKE IT.

Nyarr. I don't know. I've been like freaking out because my room is not clean. I'm not doing anything about it, but it really really bothers me. It's pretty clean, but it could be cleaner. I feel like I am neglecting it and myself.

So yeah, that's it. Bye.

2009-10-19T02:26:00.002-04:00

And when she says she knows how smart I am, how capable, I want to cry. She expects too much. I expect me to live, that's it. I have no fun anymore; it all boils down to her. Every day, it's her. I see her every single day and every day she makes me feel worse and worse and worse and I know she'll never apologize, because it's not like she's doing anything wrong. I'm the one who tries to manipulate her with my fake tears, I'm the one who's insensitive and never helps her, not even once, I'm so insensitive. If only I did everything she says the way she says it life would be so much simpler. But no, I had to rebel. I had to grow up and ruin everything.

myspace

2009-10-10T02:31:00.003-04:00

12.19.08

so i herd u liek ~~mudkips~~?

I've decided no one gives a fuck about my shit. I guess I'll just have to count my blessings.

At least I'm good at Guitar Hero. Sigh.

I don't have a best friend at the current moment, but my number 1 spot will always be taken. Sorry. If you'd like to inquire about the best friend applications you have to get in touch with me ... at school.

The people I do like however, can include you in a snappish amount of time. You don't even need to bribe me with cookies.

I find I'm way too insecure around people my age. It hinders my socializing ability therefore: I fail at life. If you actually wanna be my friend for some odd reason (e.g., I may have cookies that you might want), you're going to have to sympathize/get over it. I don't know if I'm hard to get along with or annoying or what, but I try not to be. Just keep that in mind.

xxx
today.

I want to be numb.

p.s., I've reached 500 pageviews. Don't know how or why.

'SUP GUISE.

2009-10-09T10:24:00.004-04:00

Haven't been on in a while. Don't get me wrong, I LOOOVE talking about myself. .__.
So did I even mention I actually did go to College Academy? No?
Well, I go to College Academy, now. :D
Yeah, yeah. Before I was like "SDFHSLFUCKMYLIFEHKLSAHKLHAHL!!11!1!1"
But it's pretty okay. I mean, the free time. Right now I'm on the internet. :D
AND MOST PEOPLE WOULD BE IN CLASS. Fwahahaha~
...

Yeah, anyway.

Life has been pretty awkward, you know?
Just not connecting in the right places.
Also, Diana let me borrow Phoenix Wright and... I am in love. With Edgeworth? No. Though he is sexy. I'm not going to lie to you, he is. I also like Phoenix. c: He's pretty great. I've been making law jokes for a while now. .___.
My friends must be annoyed.
Oh yeah, I'm in the second game still. I have no time to play consistently so I'm stuck often. D: It took me three freaking days to solve ONE case. Oh well.

I also have to take the PSAT soon. :/

...

I saw Whip It. It was pretty great. :D
Ellen Page and Landon Pigg (whatthefuck kind of name is that?) made a cute couple. I was sad when (*spoiler*). Yup. I bet you were sad too. She didn't have to (*spoiler*), though. I was like "WHY, ELLEN PAGE?! WHY?!" And as you might guess, I was excited 'cause Heart In a Cage played during the movie. :D
Also, Albert is in rehab, apparently. And I really don't think the Strokes are getting back together. :/
So sad. But I'm looking forward to Julian's solo album. <3

Ramble, Ramble. Haha.

How's this for a conspiracy theory?

2009-09-25T21:58:00.007-04:00

Hi.
So I've been thinking about it. And I'm pretty sure the only reason sperm banks exist is so a select group of radical feminists can eliminate the entire male race. They're gonna use their sperm to genetically produce children, which will be mostly female (leaving ten to twenty males per generation to produce more sperm).

It's possible! o:
I mean sure, everyone will eventually be related and the hoo-mans will all probably die of disease in a couple of centuries, but you know. These sort of things usually have a flaw here or there.

.____.

Oh my god, watch this be true and I'll like get hunted down and killed for exposing a secret. I'll be like "I'LL HELP YOU GUYS!!1!!1one!" But they'd probably still kill me.

direct link

2009-09-23T00:15:00.000-04:00

"Oh, hey. I think my computer must've know I'm not doing my homework, 'cause the internet just shut off on me. Ha.
So in case you care (which obviously you do--obviously), I have this problem. And the only way to solve it is to write about it on the internet! (Actually, the solution is to get over myself but this is 100% more fun.)
I'm kinda internally fighting between two "personalities" right now. Ew, that sounds gay (yes, it sounds homosexual because that totally makes sense). What I mean is there is the "old" me, whom (we learned grammar in English today! I can totally use who/whom like a prooooo*) I hate. Of course I don't hate my entire self; I try, at least a little. Anyway, yeah, the "old" me is who I am outside of my (un)limited mind frame. You might know her: kind of annoying, loud, can't really string sentences together on short notice, blah blah blah (I mean I'd go on, but why?). And then there's the "inner" me who is slightly more coherent, and a lot more self-conscious--sick and twisted, all that fun stuff. The one that thinks about roadkill and world issues or whatever. Kind of like the outer me's older sister who constantly wants to punch her in the face for being so stupid. It's like watching someone else fuck up over and over every day and you can't shut it off 'cause this isn't a movie, it's your life (apparently) and when you feel like you're throwing it away it makes you want to finish the job. I complain so much, and I beat myself up over everything and I don't mean to worry you (I'm sorry, okay? I'm 15. I don't have enough money for therapy, and I don't see any reason to stop feeling like shit other than the fact that I don't want to anymore. I'm really sorry, I don't know how) but I am so sick and tired of watching it develop more each and every day. I feel like I'm lying to myself with every single phrase I utter. I've outgrown me, I have.
Why am I even telling you this? I don't expect you to do anything about it.

Whatever. All I know is I have to do something about it before they have to put me on pills 'cause I won't be able to take it anymore. I guess I just want people to know that whoever the hell you met a year ago, two weeks ago, three days ago isn't really who I am. But I can't walk around with this tied to my neck, can I? It'd take way too long to read.
I don't take risks. When I do, it feels good. But I don't take them. I'm like the worst possible extreme of not changing the channel because you are under a blanket and do not want your arms to get cold.

Oh, and another part of me thinks I'm a fucking idiot for posting this on my DeviantART journal. Yep. I have problems. Let's hear yours.

*It'd be real funny if I'm using it wrong. I'm pretty sure it's okay, though."

2009-09-15T08:27:00.001-04:00

Feh. Just feh.

2009-07-28T21:59:00.001-04:00

I can't take it anymore. I wish I could just snap out of it, but apparently I can't. So I'm stuck being another whiny teenager. Oh there I go again.

that explains everything

2009-07-20T16:18:00.000-04:00

-----Email Message-----

I wish I could believe in God god because I feel like I am missing out on a lot of potential happiness or comfort. Unfortunately, as good as it may make me feel in some ways, the part of me that I respect most is the part of me that won't allow me to believe.

2009-07-13T10:53:00.002-04:00

It annoys me each phone entry can only be 160 characters long.

2009-07-12T01:03:00.002-04:00

You can't add apples to pears. You could, they'd be fruit and that's okay 'cause you can grasp fruit. But you can't grasp numbers and that's why logic sucks.

2009-07-09T12:46:00.001-04:00

"Hi, I'm Angelica abd I'm insecure."

"Hi, Angelica."

2009-07-01T19:47:00.001-04:00

I need to stop hating myself so much.

2009-07-01T11:50:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I have dreams. And the Angelica inside my head is a whole lot different than the real Angelica, let me tell you.

2009-06-28T03:19:00.001-04:00

Hi. I'm Angelica and I rationalize everything.

2009-06-27T04:31:00.001-04:00

Whenever he's online I just kind of stare at my buddy list. Part of me is waiting for him to talk to me and the rest gets sad because I know he's not going to.

2009-06-26T22:36:00.001-04:00

If I'm good at making people happy, why am I not good at making myself happy?

2009-06-26T21:16:00.001-04:00

Wow, um. You're gonna be getting a lot more texts than Twitter, that's for sure.

2009-06-26T19:18:00.003-04:00

Hey. so my best friend & I are in a fight.

Yup. I feel kinda shitty about it. But there's nothing I can do. whatever.

xxx

I'm planning on starting a webcomic of sorts. I even have a second blog at gimmedatcupcake.blogspot.com.
There's nothing on yet, though.

2009-06-14T21:52:00.002-04:00

I just want to throw something out there. No one fucking reads this, I know that. That's why I write. I'm not retarded.

2009-04-27T20:37:00.003-04:00

there are people out there
and you try to talk to them, and complain about the world around you and the insubstantial rainbows and love and pool parties and instead of just having a normal conversation and holding your hand and telling you what they did last friday, they are looking at you and then instead of telling you that you're not perfect, they tell you why you're not perfect and they try to tell you what will make you more perfect, as if they hate you for not being perfect. As if they know they're not perfect but they feel as if everybody else should be as perfect as they can never be. And then you feel bad about putting this feeling into words. Because before you just felt frustrated and choked up and now you just have that dull feeling in your stomach of "oh, I've done something wrong." And that's when you want to give up on life and float in a limbo, only the limbo comes in lime-flavor only and you just found out that you're allergic to them.

I feel as if

2009-04-27T19:19:00.003-04:00

you'll never know who I am.

And I'm not even talking about that particular person, or

even the other one, who I can't talk to (yet?).

But everyone. And I'm willing to listen, to stare into your head and love you, I'm ready, but are you? And is it possible to open up long enough until someone sees you, and loves you, without getting hurt? It's sensitive, and anything can make you stop
working,
comments like films of dust clouding up your mind and releasing tears you never knew you had.

If you're waiting, like me, please show me, show me and while I might not look at you as I look at others, two particular people, two whose affection I may never even see, I can love you in a different way, I will see you in a different spectrum and it would be a bond more powerful than blood, and you'll see me and I'll see you and I'll be important to you and you'll be important to me

and sometimes I think that if everyone cared exclusively about everyone else, they wouldn't have to care about themselves, and life would be better.

Except, that's silly and I'm only a child and I need to do my homework.

2009-04-21T11:45:00.002-04:00

So I'm in chemistry.
And it's humid today. I hate it.

I have guitar lessons today, and a project due on thursday. The weather worsens my mood. I am upset, therefore I blog (even though it's against the rules! o:). Have a nice day.

Your pathetic friend,
Angelica

PANKCAKES.

2009-04-12T00:41:00.001-04:00

why have I spent so much money on pancake mix all of these years?

I feel like an idiot.

-___-

----
ingredients:

1 (one) cup of water or milk (depends on how you like your pancakes)
1 cup of flour
1 egg
and other flavors and embellishments if you so wish, such as lemon or orange zest and green apple slices.

c:

procedure:

mix.

put in pan.

flip.

enjoy.

.

2009-04-03T22:47:00.002-04:00

I like to post little blog entries
and pretend people care.

2009-03-27T19:26:00.004-04:00

I like how my mom flips out when I say I hate everyone but who doesn't? One day they're telling you how much they care about you and the other how they come first. Unless they're completely ignoring you or wearing eyeliner or being dicks or sitting on grass or playing the guitar or bomberman or listening to your favorite band months after you got into them and having sex and being vegan and being lacto-vegetarians or not burning your fucking cds or sacrificing puppies, killing babies and pregnant women or watching movies or being tall and wearing flannel or doing things without you or doing nothing with you or more fucking or watching porn or pissing you off or not talking to you or not working or not driving or asking you for your green card and social security number or crying on the phone or being a sad, sad person or stabbing you in the back or recording your phone calls or humping a bible or bombing a church or wearing combat boots or getting blowjobs or masturbating or having girlfriends or liking people or telling you you're wrong or telling you you're small or going "awwh" or shoving dildos up their asses or reading books or sulking or making out with everyone but you or being sweet or being creeped out or not talking on MySpace and knowing everyone but you or making their hair available for snatching or being out of reach or telling you it's not going to be awkward between you or playing ddr and getting all sweaty and ditching you at the mall or making you want to hug them or hoping you'd choke on cookies or eating bananas or kissing each other with tongue piercings or wrapping it up or drawing better than you or starting wars or spreading rumors or making you want them or being seniors or saying hi to you in the hallways or making you not want to talk to them or making you feel guilty for liking someone or telling you about how they fucked and had sex and wrapped it up that one time and how they broke up and how they cut themselves or asking them "what the fuck happened to your arm?" without knowing and you had to shoot them a look of "it's not pretty" or having scars you want to trace with your fingers or being sad or being angry or being lanky and tall and creepy and torn all apart inside and standing you up while you have a sewing kit in your hand or being beautiful or bringing cookies to school or not letting you inside them or letting you inside their pants and then letting everyone else inside their pants or being as shy as you, or being pregnant or talking too much or talking to you as if you don't know what they mean and thinking they're so mature and pissing you off and pissing you off and making you want to off yourself so many times it doesn't even spark a reaction in you anymore and making you tired of typing shit and wanting to speak or never shutting up about what you've never had or pillaging villages and raping your women or making stimulus package jokes or playing Rock Band or performing cunnilingus on some bitch who doesn't care about her dyslexic daughter and throwing money at her and writing poems about her saggy tits and not being here and not getting you an iPhone and... and... being stupid, monkey people who you hate with every fiber of your being and that's why you want them to love you.

and then we told each other

2009-03-15T03:16:00.005-04:00

our darkest secrets and then I woke up.

he stroked my hair in my dream and he told me it was greasy. we kissed a little and then I gave him my chocolatey drink and then he gave me a hug. No wait that really happened. Except the kissing part. And I wanted to cry. I said "free drinks get me hugs. yay." in the most sarcastic, underhanded, quiet and shyest way possible and then I died a little inside because I couldn't tell him how I love him so much I want to punch him in the eye. I walked away and I started to cry. He told me to take a sip first before he took it and I did. I heard in the 8th grade that drinking from the same can as someone was essentially making out with them. It briefly came to mind, but I don't even know what he meant by that. I bet after I left he was just drinking my stupid free milk-shit with his calm look on his face. He probably just turned around and gave it no thought. While I sprayed Mountain Dew all over my hand. I wanted to suck your dick and rip it off all at the same time. And though it may seem like a fairly normal fantasy, know I'd never go down on someone unless they paid me in illustrated lilies first. While I was out spying for the Tower Lumberjack (and now I'm imagining something and it would be nice if someone went all Nancy Drew on me to understand that last statement; I'd gladly give you my MySpace password and it has to do with a half-Asian kid and a mermaid) you were out offing yourself and I want really badly to reach out and touch the purple scars on your skin. You're creepy and lanky now and you look at the world with these "I'm better than you" eyes. You don't trust shit.You don't have fever. You'll never end up watching Nick & Norah with me and you'll never become my accomplice for all things unholy like stalking the most beautiful creature on Earth. And you'll never become gay and I'll never be able to take rejection. What kind of a bitch to myself would I be if I did? My mouth is still dry with the taste of that strawberry-flavored wet dream you had of your mother's best friend's hot 40-year-old sister. I'm scared of you fading away and you stalking away and never talking again. You never respond to my texts anymore. I tried on your jacket one time and I must say it was extremely comfortable. I'm listening to them right now and my iPod would be vibrating along with my soul if I weren't distracted talking about waves. My headphones are broken. I want to cry. I haven't cried in a while. I've just been angry a lot. My birthday is in 6 days. I don't know what to do. The blowjob offer still stands. My dear old grandma will be waiting for you like in Yes Man. Remember when we watched that? I drank Pomegranate Green Tea (which I'm drinking now) while the bitch slept at my house and you just talked to her all night. And I was just there why? She could have done that at her house. We didn't do anything except watch me cry and suck it up because I'm stupid and an asshole and an even bigger asshole to my self-esteem. If it had wrists it'd be cutting itself. I want to photoshop a tree branch onto your face. If I were any more pathetic I'd be really, really pathetic and if I had a quarter for every time someone told me I need to fuck off, I'd have just enough bus fare to get to Nebraska. Your eyes are hot. They'd recognize me if I ended up as Miss March. But my breasts are too weird and I am too ugly to be in anything. Guess I could have it worse, but you make it pretty bad. Like burning your popcorn in the microwave or killing your cat. You should really listen to more music. Man, the number of times you've made me cry could be square-rooted if I actually had taken the time to count. It could be anywhere from 1 to forever. I want a window to open in my brain. Maybe you won't seem so important after the hot air gets out. A bee stings my heart and my eye and your essence was in it's brain. Oh and FYI: the top of your hood is faded. I know we've "talked" about it but it pisses me off. This is all I could do but scream his fucking name at raccoons. Go fuck yourselves. I'm into that.

Stupid College.

2009-02-22T02:08:00.002-05:00

College Academy is one of the best opportunities that I have received while living in the United States. I plan to go very far with my education and getting a head-start for college is definitely part of that plan. As an immigrant originally from Venezuela, my mother and I came to this country with the purpose of making a better life than we could have had in our home country. I believe this program will bring me many benefits and a head-start in college. I don’t care. I don’t. I’ll just write 500 words of nothingness just so she can shut up and not take away my stupid phone and my laptop and my iPod, which even though it makes me sound materialistic, are the only things that get me through the days. Whatever; if she takes away my phone I hope I get kidnapped by goblins or something. Then how will she call me to reach me? Huh? I hate this and I hate her way of telling me to do things. I hate how she says I should do it for her for her and for her. I’m probably not even going to get in this sodding thing anyway, because I’m not worth it. Let’s face it: I’m not. Is that the kind of attitude you ant over there at your fancy academy? I wouldn’t. I’ll just graduate high school and work at McDonald’s, since apparently that’s what will happen if I don’t write this essay. That bitch. It makes me feel like dropping out of school and becoming a crackwhore. Whatever. Whatever, all I want is a flat in New York City with empty paint tubes all over the place and maybe a cute boyfriend that takes walks in Central Park with me or whatever. I want to live near Julian Casablancas. I want to learn guitar. I want to hold hands with a guy I like. I don’t want to sit here at two in the morning crying because I suck at life. Because I’m not even going to get in, since I haven’t done anything worthwhile and I don’t even have two language credits. And if I do get in, I’m going to turn it down and inside out and set it on fire and throw it out the window. I have zero service hours, I’ve done nothing for my community, and I’ve done nothing for anyone. I’ve just sat here, doing my math homework and not failing. And then now that the economy’s fucked up there’s no more scholarships, so I can’t even go to art school, ‘cause I can’t fucking pay it. I have no money, my mother has no money, my father won’t send that much money and I want to punch someone in the face. Whoever put us in this recession, I want to punch every single one of them in the face. I want all of it to go away. I want all of you to go away. Go away.

Church is great okay.

2009-02-21T13:00:00.004-05:00

So like my mom wants me to go to church with her today. c:
Fuck that.
No, really. Church is for wankers and people who actually want to go to church. Not to say that people who want to go to church are all wankers (please note the heavy Australian accent), though some of them are, but for completely not church-related reasons. *cough*
I personally think church is a waste of time. I mean, I can understand if you want some *commence lisp* spiritual healing */lisp* or whatever and you're free to go, no one's saying church is bad for you, but why do you HAVE to go every Sunday? I mean, people who do that either really want to get in good with (insert name here) (though I doubt he'd care...if he existed. LOLOLiwentthere) or they are just pissy motherfuckers. Y'all are all wastin' your gas money going to church to hear some guy talk about ... stuff that won't matter in a life-or-death situation and really, if you were stuck in a basement with Chuck Norris and a priest, who would you rather have Chuck Norris save? Just saying.
If you really want salvation, stop being a dick and do good shit when you're alive. When you've accomplished that, you can go to church all you fucking want.
Oh, and I'm aware this stuff could be considered pretty offensive. Truth is: I don't care. :D

----

Also, I love Alec Baldwin. He's awesome.

o:

Aw.

2009-02-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

He is waaaaaaaay too cute.
It's kind of sad. :[

hello.

2009-02-11T20:40:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a while. Computer class does that to a blog.
I really have a lot going through my mind, I just don't know how to express it in words properly.
I wish I could talk to someone other than my blog correctly.

Oh and
I fucked it up, and no one in my Chemistry class probably likes me,
and I have a C in Precalculus ALREADY.
I still haven't written he essay for College Academy and I haven't asked the guidance counselor.
I never do things, I put them off and I feel terrible and I still don't do them. I'm so scared. I don't know what's going to happen to me.

So.

2009-01-26T00:37:00.001-05:00

My mom's in the hospital. :/

Ugh;

2009-01-24T16:37:00.001-05:00

Where the fuck is my mom? Like the ONE day I actually clean and do shit so I can go places with my friends she's not here.
She won't anser her phone either.
She better be okay or I'm going to break some dicks.

Duuuude

2009-01-24T15:10:00.001-05:00

I made a cake.

YUM.

>:3

2009-01-23T14:06:00.004-05:00

So my post from computer class was not my last post from school. AHAHA.

I'm here with my... now fourth hour (which Frank, Cassie and DJ are missing from. =____=) with Veronica (she's not gay, btw. o.o) and... other various (non-important, she says) people. :D

I'm still marrying Cassie though, don't worry. :3

I'm supposed to be researching the Great Depression and Of Mice and Men.

But I don't feel like it.

T.W.A.T.

2009-01-13T14:05:00.003-05:00

Okay, so it's the last day of computer class, and since we all know 60% of my blogs come from computer class, I think it's time I said goodbye formally. I really don't want to, but I have nothing else to do.

*clears throat*

Dear computer No. 11:

You've been so kind to me these past nine weeks, always ... turning on and ... working. I must say it was fun working with you, even though this class was boring as shit. No offense and all. All I mean, I learned Excel and whatever, I know, but eh. I also think it's cool that you helped me cheat with Andrew and Chloe. Because if I had to do all that work myself ... I wouldn't have. :]
I love you computer. I hope the next person who has you is not a dick to you and appreciates your awesomeness. I also want to thank you for being on the left side of the room so Mrs. Corbin couldn't tell what I was doing; our numerous flash game adventures mean so much to me. I will always hold you dear in my heart.

Love Always,

Angelica.

Dear Mrs. (or Ms. whatever) Corbin:

I hate you.

kthxbai.

Ah. Doing nothing. I'm going to go play Snake now. Screw you guys. >:[